oh boy

have a 9am meeting this morning... i am definitely not looking forward to it since i don't have a good feeling about it.

6 Years + Father's Day

Today is Father's Day, and this past Thursday marked exactly 6 years since my dad passed.  I honestly have so many thoughts in my head that it's hard to spill it all.  Even though many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds have passed, it is still difficult.  I miss him so much.  

Ba, it's been very different this past year, particularly these last few months.  I'm slowly giving up.  When I visited you in TX a few months back, I told you that I'm getting married and introduced you to Emmanuell.  He's made me very happy these past couple years, and he simply loves me.  I honestly do hope I at least make you proud with my decisions because I don't feel like I do with the rest of our family.  Since no one has really congratulated me in person since being engaged a year ago, I feel as if no one supports me.  It's tough.  Since I am getting married in less than 5 months, I want to be able to bring him to family events.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.  I just choose to not go because I am not leaving Emmanuell behind; he is part of me now.    I do need your help, Ba.  I don't know how things can get any better at this point.  It hurts a lot.  For the first time in my life, I'm extremely happy.  I'm taking care of myself, I am paying off loans and other expenses, I have an amazing man whom I will be spending the rest of my life with.  All I ask is for my family to support me and my happiness.  For one of the biggest moments in my life, I don't receive anything from them.  It upsets me, but since I cannot control their actions or tell them how to respond, I cannot do anything about it.  For the time being, I have no choice but to surround myself in thoughts outside of them.  I do not want to continue to put up with the drama and the issues.  Right now, this problem is the main thing putting me down and ruining the excitement I should have for my big day.

I know you're watching over us.  If there is a way for you to get the rest of our family to understand, accept, and support me, please help.  I don't know what else to do.  At this rate and considering how things have been, I don't know if I want them there on my big day...

I love you and miss you so much, Ba.

Quick updates

It's been nearly a month since I've updated.  Not too much has happened.

• lunch date w/one of my bridesmaids and her hubby
• dinner w/ some of Emmanuell's grad school friends
• wedding errands
• visit a dear friend's mom in the hospital
• watching the playoffs
• apartment hunting
• watched "Thor" (surprisingly good movie)

Hopefully I'll be able to write more soon.

Tough love

It's been over nine months since I've been engaged, and my wedding is less than eight months away.  For the most part, I am very excited for one of the biggest days of my life.  Unfortunately, there's been something that's been quite frustrating for me.  Normally, the couple's family would be excited for the couple's big day.  Sadly, I don't get that feeling from my family.  I've been thinking about it more lately, and it depresses me.  It's gotten to a point where I don't care anymore... I don't care if they don't attend my big day.  I've gotten unpleasant feedback.

For example:

• I did not get a "Congratulations" from my oldest brother since informing my siblings I got engaged on 6/6/10.  And til this day, nothing.  And to be told that the oldest son has to walk me down the aisle, are you f*ing kidding me??? 
• I called my sister during my lunch break one day to let her know that a date's been set.  After telling her the date and time, she said that she would have to find someone to cover for her because she can't close the shop.  I asked if they would close the shop if they couldn't find anyone to cover.  Answer - no, they "can't".  Seriously?  For just one day?  I was really upset hearing that from my older sister - someone who I consider to be one of my closest siblings - after lunch that I told Emmanuell and even tried to hold back my tears.  Emmanuell ended up talking to my sister to say that it already hurts that no one seems to be excited for me. 
• My mom does not approve, and she never will.  There's no need to explain any further here.
• I've been told how I HAVE to invite my mom.  Given they know how much she despises the relationship and how miserable I was dealing with her physical, emotional and verbal abuse, I have to invite someone who I KNOW will do something traumatizing on one of the most important days of my life.  They make it sound soo easy, as if she'll happily accept the invitation and all of a sudden behave and accept my marriage to my future husband.  I'm sorry, you do know Mom longer than I have... do you not remember anything? 

It really sucks.  I hate it.  Given the fact on how important this day is to me, it disappoints me that I have to deal w/ this crap.  It's gotten to the point where I'm giving up on getting any support from my family.  I feel like there isn't even an ounce of excitement.  It hurts... a lot.  What also hurts is when I keep trying to hope that things have changed, but then nothing changes.  I receive the same outcome.  Going through that repetitive cycle of hoping that there is some sort of support/excitement/affection continues to get crushed.  Every single time, it's a slap in the face.  It makes me wonder if there is a point to be optimistic on this issue.  Why?  Because so far, it just fails me.  I thought that after my dad passed, things would get better (i.e. better communication, moral support, showing more affection).  I guess I thought wrong.  I've learned to not put up with that crap, to avoid getting screwed over by family.  It seems like me not wanting to put a car or house under my name (things that wouldn't serve as my own vehicle to drive in or a house for me to live in) labels me as the black sheep in the family.

I've worked my ass off.  Knowing that I have my loans to pay on top of my other expenses, I've been much better at managing my finances, and I refuse to get myself involved in situations where I feel I'd get screwed.  I have done my best to give my advice to forewarn them "no, don't do it" because I'd have a gut feeling that they'll get screwed over.  They go ahead and do it anyway.  Then lo and behold - bam, I'm right.

That's family...

One Year Already?!?

Today marked one year since I started my current job in the Dean's Office... Time flies!!!

Ba

Ba, thank you for watching over us and protecting us from harm.  I love you very much.

tear

i miss hawai'i... and plumerias... and paul mitchell estates... =(

distraction

When I have weird feelings in my gut, I try to find ways to distract myself.  There are times where I try to convince myself things are okay when I deep down inside feel they aren't.  I guess it's why I feel like I can relate to the phrase "So I go outside and I fake a smile".  I'm not sure why this happens.  Maybe because I've gone through phases where I get used to so much crap and shit happening to me to a point where I don't expect anything good.  Growing up, I've gotten used to that mentality.  I dunno... it's difficult.  Things that upset me run through my mind and it bothers me.  A lot.  It gets frustrating.  They just sit and linger inside me, it builds up.  My trust is difficult to earn.  Situations that had hurt me before stay in, leaving the pain and anger inside.  As time goes on, my mind doesn't change its mind.  I'm fed up w/ ppl interfering w/ my happiness.  I stand up for myself; I've learned that bitchiness is needed when setting your foot down, especially when things bother the shit out of you.  I will not waste my time w/ them, I don't care.  I've gotten screwed over so many times, and I ain't letting that happen again, even if some may think differently.  I've dealt w/ enough bullshit, I ain't putting up w/ any more.  Period.  Ish.

childish ways

ppl could be so immature and childish in handling situations.  i just can't wait til next friday.  this is just lame.

bye bye january, busy busy february!

january went by pretty fast.  i have been focusing my attention elsewhere, away from training.  i really need to get that in order.  i will.  soon.  after i hear the good news.  i know that i've been unhappy at the workplace, and it just doesn't help when i get home.  that mood, lack of motivation, is from the blah day at work. 

my babe and i had an early vday celebration, mainly because we wanted to make use of dinela week.  oh boy, we were stuffed!  aside from the ugly traffic we dealt w/, dinner was great.  

so now comes february.  it started out w/ such wonderful news!  on thursday, it became official!  i received a phone call from julie to offer me the senior analyst position over in the dean's office.  of course, i said I ACCEPT!  i'm soo glad that this great opportunity came my way.  it really helps to have good support, for ppl to see and appreciate all the hard work one's done.  i will start my new job in 2 weeks.  i'm super super super excited!  thanks babe for helping me and pushing me to believe this could happen for me!

this morning was the surf city half.  all i could say is that i survived!  i walked a lot of it cuz my legs were in extreme pain.  i'm just glad i finished.  i didn't care about the time.  sigh, two weeks will be the pasadena one.  i can't wait for that one to be over, too.  yes, i will train for the one in july.  now that i might have a bit of extra time when i start my new job (work hrs will be different).  i can't wait!

memories of the 2000s

something i thought about this morning - significant moments that happened in the 2000s:

2000 - best year in high school/friends found out i was moving =(

2001 - moved to simi/transferred high school

2002 - robert saved me

2003 - entered college (UCLA baby!)/fam got evacuated from our house due to over 100k acres burned

2004 - my fam (except for mike, robert, and me) moved to texas

2005 - my dad passed away

2006 - reunited w/ my fam (they moved back to cali)/ucla beats usc (football... i actually cried that night)
2007 - graduated from UCLA

2008 - met the love of my life

2009 - moved in w/ my significant other

bored at work...

it's currently lunch time.  it's been slow here today since today is the faculty retreat.  the day's been pretty boring.  i think that the only 'exciting' part was chatting w/ 'babyface'.  normally when i would walk down the hall and pass by him, he would not say a word when i say "hi".  not sure why, maybe he's shy.  today, he came by to submit his app and he made convo.  oddly enough, he asked if i'm wearing mbt!  heh, the question isn't why he's looking at the bottom half of my body but how did he know about my shoes!  quite impressive.  anyway, it was a nice chat.  i always thought that he just didn't really speak to staff.  haha.

ugh, i just can't wait til the day's over.  it's just too slow.  i have more stuff to do at home compared to here! actually, i can't wait til the wk's over.  i'm busy everyday this wk, gots lots of chores to do.  i can chill on sat.  even tho i have an appt sat morning and will be prepping stuff before my friends come over, i will be more relaxed and will be in a good mood.  yay!

competition

i called julie yesterday to check on the status... still no word until next week.  scurred!

i guess being one of the top 4 selected out of 150 applicants is a good thing.  some i've told said it's very impressive.  i guess for me it's different.  i just really want it... sigh.

one more week...

til the winter holiday closure!  i can't wait!

i realized that i'm busy for the rest of this month...

this wknd - dinner plans w/ eman's friends sat night, xmas brunch on sun

next wknd - bday dinner w/ eman's friends fri night, kickback w/ my friends on sat, fam time on sun

12/21 - 12/31 - east coast

wow, i'm booked...

happy birthday to my lil bro!  i love you and i'm proud of you!!!

december is finally here

i'm back in the west coast, got back wed night.  unfortunately, i came back w/ a full blown cold, didn't even go to work on thurs cuz of it.  i've been sick for a week now, ugh.  i think i got sick last sun night.  it was just a bad night falling asleep w/ tears down my face.  after that dinner, i just had a completely different mindset.  i'm not sure if i'll be able to get those images out of my head, i really don't.  i was completely disrespected, it was just unbelievable.  honestly, i will never ever be okay w/ any of that behavior in the future, even if i'm not present to see it.  the damage has been done.  that was just a rude and careless stunt, and i'd be stupid to forgive for that.  i'm not sure what will happen from now on, but all i know is that it has become a problem.  i'm not gonna put up w/ any of that sh!t.  ugh, this just makes me extremely angry and want to do some clawing and punching.  go away!!! 


w/ all of that added drama, i'm soo glad that december is now here.  altho i've been sick all week, just being w/ my babe just makes me sooo happy.  he's been taking good care of me, and even w/ the stuffy nose and moments of breathing difficulties, i enjoy every moment in his arms.  yeah yeah, it's cheesy (yuck, cheese), but that's just how i feel.  yup, i love my baby. =)  


so i got my xmas gift early... i love love love love love it!!!  i smile whenever i look at my finger.  days before our philly trip, i got some bad news and emmanuell took me out to cheer me up.  we went through 5 different jewelry stores.  at store #5, i started to grow attached to their styles and designs.  all i'll say is that it's beautiful.  he spotted it before i did!  the more i looked at it, the more i loved it.  i'm just excited and happy and in love, and i don't want anyone/anything to interfere w/ that.  honey, i love you very very much.  i can't wait for our first xmas together!  <3 <3 <3 


now i'm hungy.    

 

What a month

december is right around the corner.  i can't wait!  this month has been quite a month.  you can be the judge of the smiley faces and the blah faces.  earlier in the month, emmanuell and i joined jeannie and jerry for the death valley camping trip.  it was really fun, except for the coyotes and the wind.  it was a nice short getaway from the city.  very much needed.  for a couple of wknds, i helped my sis w/ her business.  it was tiring, but it was nice hanging out w/ the kids.  sma organized an office-themed kickback, which was really fun.  i miss them a lot.  haven't seen them in a long time, so i'm really glad i was able to go since i missed out on the 'cuz john said so' dinner last night.  a couple wks ago, my coworker got divorced and a former coworker got married.  even tho there wasn't a fancy wedding nor a wedding gown, it was very nice and entertaining.  i'm soo happy for them!  =)

oh yea, the news i was waiting to hear for 2 wks came back w/ sad news.  i was really upset.  that evening, emmanuell took me out.  he surprised me w/ cupcakes then took me shopping in glendale.  he bought me an early xmas gift.  i can't wait to get it.  it's currently at the jewelers getting a couple diamonds fixed.  that's one thing i'm looking forward to (hopefully the end of this wk).  i'm glad he was there to cheer me up and lift my spirits.  it was def better than just staying in and letting me mope (he won't let me do that).  i love him. <3

this thanksgiving was the first time having a significant other there.  emmanuell and i spent the day w/ my family.  he got to help with the dinner preparations and just enjoy it w/ my family and me.  i hope he enjoyed all the dishes we had - 2 turkeys, 1 ham, 3 trays of candied yams, 2 trays of green bean casserole, a plate of green beans, a pot of home-made mashed potatoes, 2 huge costco pumpkin pies, 1 home-made apple pie, hawaiian bread rolls, corn, and gravy.  yes, there were tons of food for just a dozen ppl.  unfortunately i couldn't pack any leftovers since we were leaving to philly the next morning.  we got our butt up at 5am the black friday morning only to go to the airport.  thanks a bunch steven for getting up early and taking us to santa ana!  our first flight was full but the connection flight was close to empty, which was nice.  we got to philly at around 7ish eastern time.  not much going on here (in philly).  last night was my babe's 10 yr reunion, so i missed the ucla vs usc game (BOO!).  the bar was cool. i def felt young.  i felt like i was the only chinese there.  i kept turning my head to the tv hoping that the football game would be on.  instead, they had a short class of 1999 slideshow on repeat.  sigh... guess what killed the night... oh, and pete carroll has no class!

to be cont'd...

loong wknd

it was a long wknd again.  second straight wknd up in the av to help my sis.  we had another rocky ride all wknd, but we handled it... we're still hanging in there. =)  we're not gonna give up on us.  we have a goal, and we are working on achieving it.  i hope that the process will be a smooth one.  that is much needed.  communication... love... and trust... then it'll be okay...  we will be okay.  i want us to just sit on top of the world together... let's make it happen. =)

we took the kids to blackbird park and to the av mall yesterday.  it was really nice.  the kids very much enjoyed it!  i'm glad.  i enjoyed watching the kids play basketball w/ sam and my babe.  they were bonding!  yesterday evening just seemed... peaceful... like being a happy family.  i miss those feelings.  i miss the kids already. 

i'm glad this wk is a 4 day work wk. 

i love you babe.  i hope this past wknd made us stronger together... time will tell.

two weeks...

still haven't gotten my reimbursement approved by reviewer, ugh.

ugh

wth??

geez...

IT support here is S-L-O-W!  maybe i should make a list again like i used to.  =/

something that needed to be fixed since 12/11/2007 still has not been fixed... catch my drift??

pathetic...

maybe i'm really mean.