6 Years + Father's Day

Today is Father's Day, and this past Thursday marked exactly 6 years since my dad passed.  I honestly have so many thoughts in my head that it's hard to spill it all.  Even though many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds have passed, it is still difficult.  I miss him so much.  

Ba, it's been very different this past year, particularly these last few months.  I'm slowly giving up.  When I visited you in TX a few months back, I told you that I'm getting married and introduced you to Emmanuell.  He's made me very happy these past couple years, and he simply loves me.  I honestly do hope I at least make you proud with my decisions because I don't feel like I do with the rest of our family.  Since no one has really congratulated me in person since being engaged a year ago, I feel as if no one supports me.  It's tough.  Since I am getting married in less than 5 months, I want to be able to bring him to family events.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.  I just choose to not go because I am not leaving Emmanuell behind; he is part of me now.    I do need your help, Ba.  I don't know how things can get any better at this point.  It hurts a lot.  For the first time in my life, I'm extremely happy.  I'm taking care of myself, I am paying off loans and other expenses, I have an amazing man whom I will be spending the rest of my life with.  All I ask is for my family to support me and my happiness.  For one of the biggest moments in my life, I don't receive anything from them.  It upsets me, but since I cannot control their actions or tell them how to respond, I cannot do anything about it.  For the time being, I have no choice but to surround myself in thoughts outside of them.  I do not want to continue to put up with the drama and the issues.  Right now, this problem is the main thing putting me down and ruining the excitement I should have for my big day.

I know you're watching over us.  If there is a way for you to get the rest of our family to understand, accept, and support me, please help.  I don't know what else to do.  At this rate and considering how things have been, I don't know if I want them there on my big day...

I love you and miss you so much, Ba.

Tough love

It's been over nine months since I've been engaged, and my wedding is less than eight months away.  For the most part, I am very excited for one of the biggest days of my life.  Unfortunately, there's been something that's been quite frustrating for me.  Normally, the couple's family would be excited for the couple's big day.  Sadly, I don't get that feeling from my family.  I've been thinking about it more lately, and it depresses me.  It's gotten to a point where I don't care anymore... I don't care if they don't attend my big day.  I've gotten unpleasant feedback.

For example:

• I did not get a "Congratulations" from my oldest brother since informing my siblings I got engaged on 6/6/10.  And til this day, nothing.  And to be told that the oldest son has to walk me down the aisle, are you f*ing kidding me??? 
• I called my sister during my lunch break one day to let her know that a date's been set.  After telling her the date and time, she said that she would have to find someone to cover for her because she can't close the shop.  I asked if they would close the shop if they couldn't find anyone to cover.  Answer - no, they "can't".  Seriously?  For just one day?  I was really upset hearing that from my older sister - someone who I consider to be one of my closest siblings - after lunch that I told Emmanuell and even tried to hold back my tears.  Emmanuell ended up talking to my sister to say that it already hurts that no one seems to be excited for me. 
• My mom does not approve, and she never will.  There's no need to explain any further here.
• I've been told how I HAVE to invite my mom.  Given they know how much she despises the relationship and how miserable I was dealing with her physical, emotional and verbal abuse, I have to invite someone who I KNOW will do something traumatizing on one of the most important days of my life.  They make it sound soo easy, as if she'll happily accept the invitation and all of a sudden behave and accept my marriage to my future husband.  I'm sorry, you do know Mom longer than I have... do you not remember anything? 

It really sucks.  I hate it.  Given the fact on how important this day is to me, it disappoints me that I have to deal w/ this crap.  It's gotten to the point where I'm giving up on getting any support from my family.  I feel like there isn't even an ounce of excitement.  It hurts... a lot.  What also hurts is when I keep trying to hope that things have changed, but then nothing changes.  I receive the same outcome.  Going through that repetitive cycle of hoping that there is some sort of support/excitement/affection continues to get crushed.  Every single time, it's a slap in the face.  It makes me wonder if there is a point to be optimistic on this issue.  Why?  Because so far, it just fails me.  I thought that after my dad passed, things would get better (i.e. better communication, moral support, showing more affection).  I guess I thought wrong.  I've learned to not put up with that crap, to avoid getting screwed over by family.  It seems like me not wanting to put a car or house under my name (things that wouldn't serve as my own vehicle to drive in or a house for me to live in) labels me as the black sheep in the family.

I've worked my ass off.  Knowing that I have my loans to pay on top of my other expenses, I've been much better at managing my finances, and I refuse to get myself involved in situations where I feel I'd get screwed.  I have done my best to give my advice to forewarn them "no, don't do it" because I'd have a gut feeling that they'll get screwed over.  They go ahead and do it anyway.  Then lo and behold - bam, I'm right.

That's family...

Really?!

Someone brought up a topic earlier I thought was interesting.  A friend of mine told me how her sig. other likes to browse pics of random female friends of his friends and her friends (basically friends of friends who are females).  Why?  No clue.  It bothers her, and, to be honest, I wouldn't like it either.  It's one thing if he's met that person, but it's another thing if he never did/has.  It makes one wonder - why are you checking out pics of that girl?  And it's not like the pics include the mutual friend in there.  Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'm annoyed.  Seriously, I wouldn't like my sig. other looking through photos of my girl friends, especially if I'm not in those pics.  It would make me think that they're curious about other women or checking out other women, and I would therefore think the guy is not completely happy in the relationship.  Really, what is the point to be looking at those photos anyway?  I'm one of those who are self-conscious, so something like this definitely bothers me.  It's like asking for trouble.  I found out my ex did that while we were together (one of the few things that really got to me), and obviously that relationship didn't go well.  Heck no, I ain't putting up w/ that sh!t.

SHOOT

B*TCH, PLEASE